Welcome to my online diary, enjoy your stay! 
You always have a friend in me.
Yes, life can be rough at times. If you have a minute, please stop by and read my entry about my deceased son. 
my
goes out to you.. 
Take Time to Stop and Smell the Flowers and Listen To God
I think I have a weird mind sometimes. (Sometimes wow is that an understatement.) My mind is a lot of times going 90 mi an hour and sometimes jumps from one subject to another. Just out of the clear blue I realize I am thinking things that I have no idea what brought this about.
This morning I was thinking about how I have always cut corners. I have written several times about TIME and how it was my greatest enemy while writing my journal. I let it control me and dictate how I lived my life so much of the time that it became the foundation of what this is all about. It is not what the journal is all about but it does seem that I let it for different reasons to become the foundation of what I was doing or not doing with my life. I know that for years I treated everything I needed to do like it just had to get done right now no matter how insignificant it was. And while I would be working on one thing something else that I thought I needed to do would pop into my mind, then something else, then something else. In a short time I had a list of things a mile long and none of the things was as important as I made them out to be. Behind that list was another list. A list of what I wanted to do, the really important list. Things like I wanted to spend more time with God, spend some quiet time alone with him and listening to him, spend time writing because I felt like I was able to communicate with him in a way that I could see and understand what he was telling me. I wanted to share the things I wrote wanting it to help others the way it helped me and maybe prevent someone else from doing the things wrong that I did, wanting to prevent at least some of the pain for them that I went through. Feeling so strongly that God had chosen me to use as one of his vessels to help others. I wanted to find out who is the real me, wanted at least one person to know the real me. Things like spending more time with my family, time to notice and enjoy more than just fleeting moments of the beauty of the world, find out what happy, contentment, having fun, peace felt like instead of just words that I had heard and was afraid of feeling and thought I didn’t deserve. This list was not nearly as long but so much more important yet that was the list I neglected, cried about, prayed about but neglected to do anything about. So instead I rushed more and more doing the unimportant things that I cut corners trying to finish so I could have time for the important things. But as I have said so many times the time never came and I was running out of time. I thank God that he finally woke me up enough that I let all of those unimportant things go. When I finally did let all of that go the rest has been amazing. It has all come so naturally. It is within me, overflowing with no fear. Sometimes I do still have thoughts of “Why Me” and “I do not deserve this,” “ Does this mean I am soon going to die,” is my life almost over now and it is too late. But almost as soon as I have those thoughts I realize it doesn’t matter. It is all in God’s hands and whatever is his will is Ok for his will is best and I am just thankful that he is in control. “Why me” is not important, whether I deserve it or not is not important, because there is absolutely nothing I could have ever done in my life that would be deserving of God’s love. No matter what I have done right or wrong in the past is over and done with and there is no way I can change that so that is not important. Anything and everything I wish I had done differently, all the time I wasted is out of my control so it is not important. Did I wait too long is not important, if I die today, tomorrow or live several more years is not important, God knows how much time he wants or requires me to have. It doesn’t matter how much time I have left to do the things I wanted, all of these things are temporary for I am temporary and when I do die God will still be in control and he will take care of the rest. Once I asked God when I started the journal, “if this is what you want me to do Heavenly Father please give me the words I must say.” God’s answer to me was, “You do what you can child, I will take care of the rest.” All any of us need to do is, “Do what we can, keep trying and stay close to God,” He will take care of the rest.
Everything I have mentioned like enjoying the beauty that is on Earth, happiness, peace, contentment, not being afraid because I know whatever comes along God is in control and is all something I can be Thankful for but how long it will last is not anything for me to worry about because all of this is temporary and nothing, absolutely nothing here can compare to what he has waiting for me when I go home and that will last an eternity.
I started this out actually planning to write about me cutting corners in recovery. I guess God had other plans for what I was to write first.
I had a lot on my mind about how the Christian Recovery Group is needed and the managers and assistant managers are being led by God and how God is working through them. I believe that how God is using me through my journal is trying to help others see and recognize what is going wrong in our lives and see what the consequences can be.
I believe that The Christian Recovery Group is God’s way of providing answers to how to make the right decision, and providing the steps it takes to accomplish recovery from the insanity of it all. Those are the most important things that I have cut corners following through with. And I think it is what my next entry will be about, but I leave it all in God’s hands for I am just a vessel and I do not know how to write. I don’t even know what it is I should write I just let God lead me and I just write whatever comes. I believe God writes through me just as I believe he is working through everyone that is working so hard to follow him and do his will.
Unconditional Love
I recently wrote in my journal how I waited so long about never having time to do the really important things is life and trying to get things done so I would have the time but the time never came. I wrote how I did this for so long that now that I have finally retired and turned things over to God that he is going to take care of all those things I thought I had to do that now I have no interest in doing anything. The reason I have no interest is I never learned how to do anything else or how to live any other way. I use to say that I work to live I do not live to work but reality was that all I was doing was living to work. That is not the way life should be. It is not living, it is only existing. Families, friends, people are what is important and if we do not take the time for those things we are wasting our lives. When someone would die and I would go to the funeral I would think about these things. I would think about how I was living like time was never going to run out and then it would run out and it would be too late to do anything about it. A couple of years ago one of my cousins husband died and my sister and I talked about how we haven’t spent enough time with them in years. We only see people who are important to us when someone dies and we go to the funeral. We would talk about how we were going to do something about it and visit while they are alive and get closer to our families and friends again. We planned how we would go see my cousin and spend a whole day with her. But that is all we did was talk about it. We never went. A couple of weeks ago we went to her funeral. That was not even the first time something like that had happened. For the last few years there have been several funerals and each time we had the same conversation and the same plans and also each time we never followed through. All we did was talk about it and plan the same thing until we went to another funeral. Why do we live this way? Why are we so blind when it is happening over and over and we don’t change? We see it over and over and yet we are blind.
The thing I am really getting at now is how powerfully God has been working in my life lately. It is like I think of something and God makes it happen. It is like he has removed blinders that I have been unable to remove. How very Awesome God is and how Loving, Understanding and Powerful He is. I mentioned how the interest is gone and I want it back. Well it is like it is coming back in leaps and bounds. It is like God has taken me by the hand and is leading me every step of the way. He is leading the right people to me, he is leading me right in the direction I know I should go. It is an awesome feeling, a feeling of being fulfilled, like my cup is running over. I feel an excitement inside my heart , I feel peace and happiness. All of those things have been so foreign to me for so many years. I never even was really a child. When I went through my last divorce and was going through a really bad depression one of my daughters was talking to me and encouraging me. She talked to me about how strong I am and about all the things I have gone through and how much they all love me. Yes she was right by this time in my life so many things had happened I had grown stronger and knew how God would get me through. This was just another one of those valley’s that I was made to see. But right then I didn’t want to have to be strong. I knew I would be strong enough to make it because God was there to help me, to give me comfort and see me through whatever I had to face. But I felt tired and did not want to have to be strong. I did not want to face the pain. I was still trying to control and didn’t know how to let go and let God. I did not know how to live, how to do anything enjoyable. I did not know how to do anything. She told me that when she was down she would do things she liked to do when she was a kid. I told her, “honey I never was a kid. I never had a chance to learn how to do things. I just don’t know how or what to do.” When I finally got so weak I could not try to control God took over and pulled me through as he always had done. This past year I have done a lot of crying. I have felt at times I was beaten and broken. This time it was not because of things going so wrong. It was because I was letting time run out and didn’t know how to stop. It was because I knew God was dealing with me and I didn’t know how to slow down and follow him. I went through the cancer for the second time, I went through the heart attack, I went through going to all those funerals and still just kept on living like I have to get this or that done before I can start to live. I don’t have time right now I have to get this or that done so I will have time. But that time would not come until recently I did stop and just turned it over to him. Now God is really bringing all the good things to me. I met Richard and even though I was fighting inside myself to not let go of my old ways God just took me by the hand and led me. He is leading me every step of the way now and he is not letting me go. Now I have started doing things and making plans that I am going to follow through with because Richard is going right along with me and is doing them with me. I always wanted to be able to play musical instruments, I wanted to sing. Not necessarily in public. I just wanted to be able to do those things because music makes me feel good. The emotions of the music and the words to the songs were good feelings. Well Richard is very educated in music and has more passion for music than anyone I have ever met. He is patient with me and is teaching me.
My dearest sweetest cousin Jim plays a guitar and banjo and I love to just listen to him play and sing. When Jim sings he puts so much feeling into the songs I could listen for hours. Jim got me started learning how to play and it is his guitar that I have, a beautiful and beautiful sounding black Alvarez. It was Jim who I guess you can say turned me on to the music. His wife, Carla, my dearest sweetest friend who is just like a sister to me also has a wonderful voice and sings beautifully. She looks and sounds so good and confident on that stage, so comfortable like she was born to it. Jim is the same way. I am so proud of both of them. When they sing people listen. When Jim sings he gets standing ovations. I love them both and their son Ross and Jim’s daughter Andrea with all my heart. Ross and Andrea both dance wonderfully and Ross plays the guitar and sings beautifully just like his Dad. When they were little they were always winning dance contests.
When I would be going through hard times and depression it was Jim and Carla’s house I went to because I knew I was always welcome and they would make me feel special when I needed to feel that I was worth something. When I needed them they were always there. Carla would tell me she had a room for me there. They always made me feel like I was HOME. They made me feel wanted. Ross would coming running out to the car when I would pull up hollering it’s Shirley. That always made me feel good and feel welcome and like I was wanted. He would give me a big hug and kiss. I remember when he was learning how to play the guitar, sometimes when I would be there he and I would sit up for hours at night and he would practice with me showing me how to do things when I would practice. I was always home and felt at peace when I was there no matter what was going on in my life at the time.
I have also neglected them and not taken the time I should to be with them and spend time with them like I wanted because I had other things that I thought I had to do.
Jim and Carla have been going through a lot the last few years. Jim has been sick for the last few years and recently almost died due to fluid on his brain and other health problems. He had to have surgery, have the fluid removed and a shunt put in. After that he lost his leg because of Diabetes. He has arthritis in his hands now so bad it is hard for him to play his guitar and his banjo so he has quit playing. All those things are just some of the problems they had to face. Naturally because of all that Jim has been depressed and has lost a lot of interest in anything. But Carla has stood by him and pushed him and took him to the VFW and encouraged him to sing and to stay active. She has stood by him and encouraged him and kept him going when the toll of it all was wearing her down and not knowing where they would get the money to be able to live. I know there had to be times she didn’t know if she was going to have the strength to face another day and do the same thing over. But their faith in God, love for each other and with God’s help they make it. Every Sat night no matter how tired or how bad they might feel because of Carla they go to the VFW and because of Carla Jim and Carla both sing as guests. She is making sure he gets his interest back. Carla has encouraged him and been right there with him every step of the way. She is not only helping Jim she is helping me. She is helping me get my interest back. Even though Jim and Carla have been going through so much they are still there for me too. Because of Carla, Jim and I are both getting our interest back. Because of Richard’s encouragement and patience with me it is also helping me get my interest back. Because of Carla pushing me and Richard and Richard’s willingness to take part and wanting us to be happy and enjoy life together he and I go to the VFW on Saturday nights. At first I just went because I wanted to be with Jim and Carla. I was not interested in dancing and even Richard wasn’t too interested in dancing although I use to love to dance. Jim and Carla did not stop at just getting us to go though they kept pushing and encouraging us to dance until they lit a fire under both of us. Now we are both going to learn how to do the Line Dancing and Square Dancing and whatever those other dances are called. And we are both excited about learning and taking part. Yes God is a Mighty Awesome God. He knows exactly who to put in our paths. Carla probably doesn’t realize it but she is working for God. When God has a plan he knows who is capable to make it happen. She will wear a crown in heaven. I love both Jim and Carla and they will always be very special to me. I thank God for both of them.
There is so much I have to say tonight. I am filled with so much joy and peace. This morning when I was getting ready for church I was thinking about how good my life is and how right it is and I was thanking God just for loving me so much. I was thanking him for loving everyone so much and the thought came to me, Why does God love me so much when I am so unworthy of his love. What have I ever done that is worth his love. And God’s answer was, “because that is who he is. He is my father and he loves me not because of what I do or do not do. He loves me because I am his child. He loves everyone and wants everyone to come to him. He does not love anyone because of what they do or do not do. He just loves us because that is who he is. HE JUST LOVES US Unconditionally.” When we love it is like it depends on what a person does or does not do whether we love them or not. Like the attitude I had before about I don’t have to put up with anything. If you can’t be like I want you to be then I don’t need you, want you or love you. If God loved us in that way or because of that, how could he ever love anyone because no one is worthy of the love God has for us. But he loves us anyway. He wants us to love each other in that way. Jesus tries to teach us to love. He took on all the sins of the world even though there was no sin in him, even though people scorned him and mocked him he died a cruel death for us because of his love for us. He did not do all that because we were so good, he did not do it because we loved him, he did not do it because of anything we had done or not done. He did it simply because he loved us. And he understands the pain we go through here on Earth, he understands the heartaches we suffer. He understands because he experienced all the things and more than we will ever experience. He wants us to be happy and to have everlasting life with him. He gives us choices and he gives us chances on top of chances to turn to him. I love my children and it breaks my heart when they are hurting. My son is still going through fighting alcohol. He calls me and I hear the pain in his voice, the shaking and fear, the struggles he goes through. I love him no less because of it. In fact I love him more and more and hurt for him more and more but when it comes down to it he is the only one who can let go and completely turn it over to God before he will ever have the strength to do what he has to do to find peace. Just like I have had to completely turn my life over to God he will have to completely turn his life over to God. I had to experience pain and heartaches and doing things wrong to ever be able to let go and follow God. We are weak and letting go is hard but reality is it should be an easy thing to do but we are too blind to see and too unbelieving even though we are suffering and know pain we still don’t know the answers because we don’t turn to the one who has the answers and tries to teach us. We still don’t listen. Why Why? I just turned 65 years old yesterday March 1st but I still have a lot to learn before this journey I am on is over. There will probably still be times that I will try to control situations and do things my way and make a lot of mistakes doing it but the wonderful part is, God will go on loving me no matter what happens. No matter how short or how long of time I have left I do not know, but I can be comforted in knowing that God loves me unconditionally, and that he will always be there for me and will help me through whatever I will have to face. What I will do with the remainder of this journey remains to be seen but one thing I can be sure of is, God will never forsake me. How much pain or heartache I will suffer will be up to me. How blind I will be, how much I listen or do not listen will be up to me.
About a week ago I was walking through the house headed for the kitchen to make coffee as I do the first thing every morning as soon as I get up. As I was headed to the kitchen I was thinking of how strong I have felt God’s presence in this house ever since I retired. It made me realize even more that I am doing the right thing. Then the thought struck me that I wanted our Pastor and the Elders to come over and bless the house. I have never done that before any where I have lived and have never even thought of it. Maybe it was one of those times that God speaks to my heart and it is what he wanted. So this past Sunday I invited our Pastor, the Elders of our church and their families to come over for dinner after church. After we ate the Pastor and the Elders blessed our house. They anointed all entrances and all rooms of the house and said a prayer in each room.
This past year there has been so many changes in my life. I guess I have finally after all these years really started learning how “to Let Go and Let God”. I left my job which was a good job and I have many friends there whom I love very much and went to work for my son in law. His business is in California so I had to go out there and stayed for 7 months. Then when I came back home I worked for him here doing some of the accounting. When I first met Richard at first I was my old self and did not want to get married and really had to do an attitude adjustment on myself. Which I might add, an attitude adjustment on myself was something I had never even considered doing before. I had been divorced for 12 years and every time I met anyone and things started getting serious I looked for things wrong and of course I found them. You look for something you will find it. And my attitude was, “I don’t have to take nothing from nobody. My life is just fine like it is. I don’t have to put up with anything. I like pulling up in my drive and going in my house and not having anyone putting me down and arguing , no one telling me what I can and cannot do. My time is my time and I can do with it what I want . The only thing controlling me was TIME.” But he was patient with me and told me that we would get married someday and he could be patient. My thinking slowly started to change and I would stop and think about his needs, his rights and what he wanted. If I started getting those old thoughts and would get angry about something I would stop and think, “how important is this, should I really be angry about this or am I just looking for something wrong, doesn’t he have some rights too.” Something else that was not at all like me for the past 12 years. So I started praying about it and asked God to just lead me and help me to do the right thing. I learned to just put it in God’s hands and not try to control things myself. As a Co-Dependent trying to control things is a really big thing we do. Finally I agreed to marry him and I might add it was the second time I had agreed but had backed out the first time. Still I would find myself having doubts and wondering what in the world am I doing and am I doing the right thing. I was trying but still had not completely let go. I started planning the wedding but each time I thought of sending out the wedding invitations I could not bring myself to do it because if I did then it would make it even harder to back out. Finally I had no choice but to hurriedly get them mailed or forget it. Still I was not sure what I would do. Would I say I DO or would I back out. Still I was determined to let God lead and I would follow. If you look at my wedding photos you will see what the outcome was. (Smile) When we said I DO and the preacher said you may kiss the bride, Richard looked at me and said, “I told you so” and I burst out laughing. Now instead of getting aggravated about something he does or doesn’t do it really doesn’t bother me because I know it really isn’t important. Life is so wonderful when we leave it in God's hands.
I have been so busy for so long and not taking time to do any of the important things in life that I wanted to do that it seems I have lost all interest. I just kept working and going in such a rush, always thinking I have to get this done or that done so I will have time to relax and be able to visit with family and friends. I have to get things done so I can write, play my music, learn to play the instruments I bought, practice singing my songs again, enjoy things but reality was that no matter how much I rushed there was never time for anything else. The time never came. Now that I have retired and have the time it seems I have no interest in doing those things . I want that interest back so I have been playing some of the songs and really taking time to listen to them. I have been playing a song this past week that reminded me of something that I want to Thank God for. The name of the song is The Darker the Valley (the brighter he shines) recorded by The Chandlers.
Dear Heavenly Father,
I want to thank you for allowing me to go through the trials, the heartaches and pain that I have been through. I also want to thank you for being there with me and giving me the strength I needed to survive. I want to thank you Dear Heavenly Father because each time I went through heartaches and pain I was able to grow stronger and closer to you. I learned that nothing is ever hopeless, that you will always make things better. No matter what we go through you will be there to give us comfort and see us through it. I know that the times I was down so low I could not feel your presence and felt that I was all alone that I was never alone, that you were always there. Those things prepared me to be able to withstand any thing that comes along. You gave me strength when I was weak , you gave me peace when I felt I could not stand any more. You were my refuge and I know you will always be with me to be my refuge, my strength, my comfort no matter what storms comes my way. It is because of those dark valleys that I have learned this. Like the song says , “without this valley where would I be.” Dear Heavenly Father, my Lord, my Savior for so long I wandered in darkness searching for the light. You were that light and the darker the valley the brighter you shine so it was in those valley’s that I was made to see. Oh yes Lord I want to thank you over and over for allowing those storms in my life. I love you Lord and I will always need you and it is such a blessing to know that you will always be there no matter what. In our Precious Lord Jesus name I thank you.
AMEN
First Day of the Rest of My Life
I started this Journal 08/24/04 and the last entry I made was 08/11/05. And here it is Dec of 2007 and I am finally writing again. I started it because I wanted so desperately to do something that I had felt God wanted me to do. It was something that my heart cried out to do. Each time I would write I always felt before I would finish that this could maybe help others. God has done so much for me and I always feel like it is God that is giving me the things to write. I am not educated enough to be a writer and never know the right things to say. I sincerely believe it is God who guides my hands. When I start writing I do not even know what I am going to write.
For years time has been my worse enemy. I am constantly working myself to death trying to catch up so I will have the time to do the important things like this but the time never gets here. I vowed to myself in 2004 when I got cancer the second time that I would not let that keep happening but I did. Every day I just worked harder and longer hours trying to get caught up and I got no where. It was like I was on a tread mill going faster and faster but was going no where. I changed jobs and went to work for my son in law in Jan 2006. His business is in California so I went out there and worked for 7 months learning his business and trying to get his accounting caught up. I just worked harder and longer hours than ever because this was my daughter and son in law and I wanted to make things easier for them. The Co-Dependent in me wanted to fix things. At the end of July I came back to Tennessee and still working for my son in law but working at home. I thought I would have more time now to write since I was working at home. I was wrong because I still worked the same way. I would hit this computer at 8 am and work way past quitting time until I was too tired to do any more. None of this was my son in law or daughters fault. It was what I wanted to do and what I did. They did not want or expect me to work this way. They were trying to help me by making it so I could be at home more so I just didn't tell them. I just kept working that way. In Sept 2006 I had a heart attack and found out I had a 90 percent blockage and the Dr put a stint in and told me I still have two more blockages, one 60 percent and one 40 percent. I still kept on going the same way. My blood pressure is of course way up most of the time even though I take medication. I do not like the idea of going to the Doctor for it takes up time so I put that off as long as possible. Somewhere along the line I started thinking that when I sell my house I will retire. Or I think when I do this or when I do that I will retire. Then I gave it a date, I would retire the 1st of March when I reach 65 but maybe work a few days a week if I haven't sold the house. Then I started realizing time is going to run out for me to get a chance to do the things for me that I want to do but I still kept pushing it. The number one thing I wanted was to have time to write in my journal. I want to practice my guitar. I had bought a dobro because I wanted to learn how to play it. But I just never had the time to write or the time to practice the guitar or learn how to play the dobro. I wanted to not worry about time any more.
This past Monday I went into my Journal and read some of the posts and the comments people had written. I realized how much I needed to write and wanted to write. I realized I just can't do this any more and time is going to run out for me and I decided that no matter what happens I am going to retire now. On Tuesday morning I called my daughter and told her I am going to go ahead and retire. I told her I will need to work a couple of days a week or maybe three until my house sells. I went to the Social Security office and I am now officially retired starting the 1st of this month. Tonight is my first entry in my Journal since Aug 2005 and I hope it will not be my last for I have so much I want to write about. Reading the posts and comments people left for me opened my eyes and I am so very grateful to those people. I wish I knew how to get in touch with them all and let them know how very much they helped me.
This week I have taken the time in the mornings to sit on my sofa which I never sit on because I am always too busy with other things. While I have my coffee I read in a book I recently bought. The title is Just Like Jesus Devotional. It is so very good. It is a thirty day walk with the Savior teaching us to love like he does. I find myself getting irritated and taking it out on others lately and I do not like myself when I do that. Besides the other things I mentioned that I want to do I also want to not forget to be compassionate, understanding and love. People are important and God wants us to love one another as he loves us.
When anyone reads my journal, if there is anything that touches them I pray that they will please leave a comment for me or e-mail me and let me know. If you just want to make a comment that is OK too. It always warms my heart and helps me to know that people are seeing this.
God Bless you all
It has been quite a while since I have posted anything here. I have been very neglectful in updating on what has been going on with my son since my last post.
The next day after I posted my son went into a rehab center. He spent 28 days there and when he got out he moved into a halfway house. With the help of God he is doing so good. He has been in rehab twice before and has tried several times to get off the alcohol and drugs but would be back on them within a month. This time he is really working the program and relying on God more. He is chairing meetings, is assistant manager of the halfway house and has 6 months sobriety now. I know that it is not a easy thing he is doing and I am so very proud of him.
I thank God every day for what he is doing for my son and ask that he continue to give him strength.
This was the e-mail I received in God's Daily Promises on Feb 1st the day before my son went into rehab and I was praying for him. Of course I was praying day and night for him and do all the time but this was a good time for me to get this and very encouraging for me to get it when I did. I truly believe that God speaks to us in numerous ways and I feel this was one of the times.
This week's promise:
Wherever we go God is there
How can I experience God's presence in my life?
". . . when you pray, I will listen . . you will find me when you seek me."
Jeremiah 29:11-13 NLT
Seeking and finding God requires consistent and purposeful prayer.
All scripture is from the New Living Translation (Tyndale House Publishers, 1996).
Lord I met a very nice lady outside of the Sarah Cannon Cancer center today. She was waiting for her husband who was inside. He had recently been diagnosed with lung cancer and told that he had a short time left. He has been taking treatments and they learned today that the tumors had reduced in size 50 percent in a months time. Thank you Lord for that and I humbly ask that you continue to shrink this dreadful cancer. I pray Lord if it is your will to please take this from him and heal him. I know that you are a loving father and you have the power to heal. This man is only 42 years old and I beg you father please give this couple more time together and give them strength when they are worn.
One day at a time Lord help us to stand tall
Keep us safe in your arms for we are weak
When we stumble do not let us fall
And most of all Thank you Lord for always being there when we call on you.
In our Precious Lord Jesus name I pray
Amen
Where do I get the courage to go on when life seems too hard or obstacles seem too big?
I command you—be strong and courageous! Do not be afraid or discouraged. For the Lord your God is with you wherever you go. Joshua 1:9 NLT
You will have courage because you will have hope. You will be protected and will rest in safety.
Job 11:18-19 NLT
The Lord is my light and my salvation—so why should I be afraid?
The Lord protects me from danger—so why should I tremble?
Psalm 27:1 NLT
Don't be afraid, for I am with you. Do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you. I will help you. I will uphold you with my victorious right hand.
Isaiah 41:10 NLT
From God's Daily Promises
Content is derived from the Holy Bible, New Living Translation and other publications of Tyndale Publishing House
Dear Heavenly Father
Here I am again. I am not sure if the words will come or not but somehow I feel that I should write something. As you well know Dear Lord this has been a tough few weeks. I've gone over so many things in my mind and I am so scared. I feel bad that I am so scared. I talk about how much faith I have in you but I wonder do I have as much faith as I claim. If I do then I should not be so afraid. Yet I know that I do have faith in you and I know without a doubt that you will be with me whatever happens. It is just tearing my heart out to see my son go through so much pain. The alcohol and drugs has robbed him of 11 years of his life. How many more is it going to rob him of? When he was beaten so bad and I was called to the Vanderbilt trauma center and saw him lying there where that guy had beaten him so badly with a skillet it did something to me I can't forget. When I found out the law didn't do anything to the guy an only charged him with simple assault I wanted revenge. It ate at me like a cancer. It took a few times for you to get through to me and for me to let it go. Then last week when he was found unconscious and starting to go into a coma, then the young girl dying a few days ago from an over dose of drugs and then hearing of the young girl hanging herself has put such a fear in me that I can't seem to get rid of. Lord for so long I have prayed that you just keep him safe and alive and that you just give me the strength to let your will be done. But now I am begging you Dear Heavenly Father please please take this demon from him. He is still here with me this week since they found him unconscious and he got out of the hospital. We finally have found a rehab place last week that he can get into but they would not have room for him until Feb 2nd so tomorrow I will take him there. He has tried so hard this week to stay straight and wants so bad to get help. He has hoped as I have that they would call and say that he could go sooner but finally the day is almost here. He is also afraid and I am afraid though of how strong will he be when he gets out and will it start all over again as it has so many times. Thank you Lord for helping us make it through this past week. My son and I have had several long talks this past week and I can tell he is almost at a point where he is so weak he feels hopeless and I keep telling him to never give up and that I will not give up until we get help for him. I keep telling him to turn it over to you and to keep praying. I reminded him of how hard and earnestly and humbly he prayed the night you saved him. He loves you and knows how you have helped him so many times but he is weak and scared. Thank you Lord for all you have done for both my son and for me. Thank you for always being with us. I have heard you today tell me that you will never forsake me and I know that you will never forsake either of us and I am trying to not be so scared. Forgive me Lord and remember that I too am weak and am only human. I will take whatever pain comes my way but I can't help dreading it and not wanting it to come. I can take the pain for myself so much easier than I can watch someone else suffer especially someone I love as I love my children. I want to see my son laugh and smile and be happy. I have always taught my children that love and happiness is the most important thing in the world and my son loves deeply but he hasn't known happiness for such a long time. Night before last my son and I had a long talk and he said, "Mama I wish I had never taken that first drink or that first drug." I pray Dear Lord that somebody will read this and see the pain here and it will prevent them from going down this same road. If it will just stop at least one person it will be worth it all.
Amen
This is an e-mail I received from my daughter in
Don’t Forget That We All Love You
Hi! Tammy told me what is going on with Ricky. I didn’t call you right away, because I didn’t want you to be more upset by having to talk about it. I will try calling you tonight though.
Please know that we all love you including Ricky. He is not himself right now, and the only one who can help him now is God. As long as he can find someone on earth to assist him, Ricky will just keep doing what he is doing. We must release him to God and let whatever course of events that needs to take place take over. I am reading a book that has a little note that I think might help you right now. I liked it so much, that I have it written on a piece of paper in my bathroom. I read it every morning and throughout the day. This is what it says:
"Good morning,
This is God.
I will be handling
All of your
Problems today.
I will not need
Your help, so have
A miraculous day."
The Power of Intention by Dr. Wayne W. Dyer, page 88.
Dear Heavenly Father
Thank you Lord for always being with us, thank you for my precious family, all my wonderful dear friends I work with, all my dear friends everywhere who have stood by me and prayed for us.
In our precious Lord Jesus Christ name I humbly pray
Amen
PEACE WITHIN
As I read these things that I wrote a long time ago as I am putting them on this web site I realize how far I have come, how much I have grown and how much stronger I am now. As I read these things I realize how very true it is that things are never hopeless no matter how much we feel that it is. I look at these things and remember how I felt when I first wrote them and I remember God being with me through it all even when I felt like he was not there and then later I would realize he was there all the time. When I felt like he was not there it was because I was not letting myself feel him because I did not trust him enough. Even though time and time again he was with me and proved how much he loved me and would not forsake me I still would give in to the storms that were going on in my life at the time. As I look back on those times I rejoice in knowing and remembering how God was with me and how he led me to write because it was one of the ways he was able to get through to me. Writing was my way of communicating with God and it made me able to get up fight and survive the pain and heartache of the trials I would go through. Through his leading me, showing me the way and giving me the strength I needed I know that I can conquer anything that comes my way because God is on my side. Life is still ups and downs and I still have a lot going on in my life but I can deal with things so much more now and am able to feel peace inside most of the time even when a storm is raging all around me. I know that the peace that is anchored in my soul and heart is Jesus. He is my strength, my refuge from the storm. More trials may come from time to time that will weaken me and get me down. I will probably sometimes have bad days, feel defeated and beat myself up as I have so often done in the past but I will not stay down for long because I know who to turn to for help and I know that he will be there for me. More and more I see the Lord working in my life and I see how he has worked in my son’s life. My heart breaks for my son and I shed a lot of tears for him and say a lot of prayers for him but I know that I can do nothing else for him. He is in Gods hands and only God can help him fight the battle he has to fight. I see the pain in my son and naturally I feel pain in my heart for him but I trust God will be with us both through it all. The pain that we feel as humans can not compare to the pain that our Savior feels for us because the love we feel can not compare to the love he is capable of feeling for us. Because I have suffered so much mental anguish, and pain I can not bare the thought of others suffering. I can not ease any ones pain but I know that God can and I know what has helped me and that is the reason I am putting this stuff on the web site. I want people to read about the heartaches and pain so you will realize no matter how bad things seem you are not alone. I want you to read about my weaknesses and how I let things get to me and get me down. I want you to read about the stupid thoughts that go through my head and the way I beat myself up. I want you to read these things because I want you to realize that it is human to give into these weaknesses. I want you to realize that no matter how bad things are or how weak you feel you can turn to God and he will give you the strength to overcome these feelings. I want you to know that he loves you unconditionally and he wants you to turn to him. I want you to realize that no matter how bad things are or how bad they seem there is hope and things can get better. He does not promise us that we will not have trouble in our lives but he does promise to never forsake us. He does not always calm the storm but he will calm you and give you the strength to weather the storm.
Relationship
I am addicted to relationships. When I am without a man in my life I feel an emptiness inside. I get depressed, hurt, feel scared and alone. God is working in my life now. At times I can hear him talking to me and I can see ways that he is working.
At first when Bo was leaving God was telling me that this was for the best. That he would take care of Bo, Ricky and me. He was telling me that the results of this happening and the changes that would take place in our lives would be better than anything I could imagine or try to bring about. I know that he wants me to leave it all in his hands. I feel that he has a plan for me and that I should let his will be done.
I have prayed so many times for God to let me know what I could do for him. I know now that the only thing I can do is let God work through me. I can do nothing. We are only clay and he is the potter. When God has a plan he does the work through us.
I have felt Gods presence and heard him talking to me many times. When Bo first planned to leave I was so confused, hurt and scared. I felt God was with me. Then later I felt that he was near but just out of reach. Then I felt that I had been fooling myself and now was facing reality. I felt that the reality was that I was not worthy of God loving me. I know that God would never let anyone down. I believed in God and his love and power but I felt that I was a mistake that just happened. I believed that God would love and care for everyone except me. That’s when God intervened and lifted me up.
There have been so many times that I have gone through rough times and through my own fault I have beat myself up, gotten down and depressed. When I would get down so low and hurting so bad I thought I just couldn’t stand another minute God would lift me up and make the pain go away. I would realize then that he had been there all along. If I would just turn to him and really trust him I would be spared a lot of heartache. I think that he allows us to go through these things and allows us to try to do it ourselves so we will grow stronger and realize how much we need him. It’s like we have to let our children make mistakes and learn. If we do everything for our children they will never learn anything. But we step in before we let harm come to them. We want our children to just listen to us and learn and I am sure God wants the same from us but our weak human nature will not let us do that so he gives us a choice and lets us learn the hard way.
I know that tomorrow or next week I may be down again and I may still have times of getting down before I reach the end of this journey that I am on but I know that God is with me and he will never forsake me. I thank God for all the trials that he lets me face so that I may grow into a better person. Someone that he can use to carry his work and let his will be done. I feel that he is preparing me for something wonderful now. I do not know what his plan is but I do know that it is better than anything I could try to do on my own.
God’s way is for us to totally trust him and love him. He does not tell us where he is taking us. We are just to trust and know that he is God and he will provide. He will lead us if we will just follow.
I know that I must let God fill the void in my life. Until I allow that to happen I will never have a lasting relationship. When I let God fill the void in my heart he will never leave me and only then will I be able to enjoy and feel comfortable with a relationship. My most important relationship should be with Jesus Christ, my Savior. God must come first because without him we have nothing and we are nothing.
I must not get involved in a relationship until I learn to put God first and depend on him to bring me peace and happiness. If I get involved in a relationship too soon I will destroy the relationship. It should not even be important that I have a relationship with anyone else. If I put God first and love and trust him the way I should I will not need anyone else. And if it is meant for me to have someone who will be a friend, partner, lover then God will bring the right person along. Until I put God first I know that I will continue to love and lose. Too many hearts are broken that way.
As I look back I can see that the relationships I have had were not what I really wanted anyway. I wanted something so bad that I would settle for anything and pretend to myself it was what I wanted. I knew it was not what I wanted but I would jump into it so fast and settle for what I had because I guess I thought it was better than nothing. And then I would just dream of what I wanted and make myself believe it was that way. I know that I have cheated myself. If I had not tried to control my own life I may have had the real thing.
Dear Lord please help me to be strong and not get involved too soon. For I am like an alcoholic who takes that first drink I get a taste and jump in head first. I am then in up to my neck before I realize what’s happening. Please do not let me settle for less than what I want and need. If it is your will for me to meet someone let that someone be someone you bring to me. If you bring him I know that it will be right. He will be open and honest with me, someone I can be open and honest with and we will still accept each other with love. We will be friends and will want to be together. We will be best friends and will be able to talk to each other about anything. We will each care more for the other than we do ourselves. We will be able to trust each other and respect each other. And most of all we will be able to worship you together. I want someone to share my thoughts with someone who will share his thoughts with me. And not only our thoughts but our feelings. I want someone Dear Lord who will share my love for you and together we can worship and carry your message to others. Whether this is meant to be or not I will
leave in your hands for I know that you know what is best. Let thy will be done.
Amen
Shirley Thompson
April 27,1995
'I will never leave you nor forsake you’ —Hebrews 13:5
| Alcohol and Co-Dependency |
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| When I think of alcohol I think of it as Satan being in a bottle & when you open it you are letting him out. But God is always there waiting to protect you if you'll let him. We just need to turn to him and call on him and he will prevail. I thank God that even though the sickness was in my family both my parents loved God and taught us children to believe in him and to love him. Without God we would never have survived. God does not bring sickness, death, pain and suffering to us. All of that came about because of sin and we all know that Satan is the father of sin. |
Today is Friday and I feel really good to be alive and know that God is with me always. Last week end I was looking at the calendar counting the weeks since my surgery. I was shocked to realize it had only been 7 weeks and I had already been back to work for 3 weeks. Where I work we have a floor with a lot of exercise equipment and a walking tract. Yesterday I started walking and walked 1 1/2 miles. Today I did the same thing and Monday I intend to increase to 2 miles a day.
God has been so good to me. Everyone including the doctor seems to be surprised at how well I am doing. I look just like I did before my surgery. When I went back to the doctor a few weeks ago he was amazed. He talked about how he had me on the table cut open doing surgery removing cancer from my lung and he said now just 3 weeks later you are standing here in front of me looking great. He said that I was a remarkable woman so that made me feel really good especially since I had been going through so many emotions and was a little down. But of course it was really because I had some remarkable Doctors and an awesome, loving, remarkable and glorious Savior who was right there with them. I am truly thankful for be fortunate enough to have had the Doctors I had. There were so many people praying for me during my illness and surgery and God answers prayers. I am a very fortunately woman and have so much to be thankful for.
This week I found a Christian radio station and have been listening to it every morning on my way to work and it has really been an inspiration to me and very uplifting. Every morning I hear Charles Stanley and he is such a great teacher and minister. One morning this week he was saying that once he asked God what was the one most important thing that he would have him know and he said God said, "How much I love you." Wow isn't that awesome. That made me feel so good and encouraged me so much. My son is an alcoholic, addict and he is at this time in jail serving 120 days for a dui. My heart hurts so much for him. My father was an alcoholic and so was my ex husband and it hurts to see someone you love hurt the way they did but when it is your child it hurts so much more. It took me a long time to be able to quit trying to help and to turn him over to God but with time and failure I finally reached a point where there was nothing else I could do. Today it is so good to know that we can depend on God and his everlasting love and with him nothing can really defeat us.
August 24, 2004
The last several months I have felt like time was running out and that I needed to be doing this. Or at least I think this is what God wants me to do. I am not really sure what it is he is trying to tell me because I have been very neglectful in listening to him. All I know is I have felt for several months he was trying to tell me that time is running out and I have been feeling like I have been neglecting God. I have felt this so strongly and have continued to ignore him. I remember reading in the bible that if one of his sheep should stray he will leave the 99 and go after the one so I have prayed please God come after me because I am not taking the time to listen. It was as if I was so caught up in wasting time and living like I had all the time in the world and just couldn't seem to get off the merry go round I was on. I know that time is going to run out eventually for us all but I kept living like it would never run out. Then a few weeks ago I was diagnosed with lung cancer for the second time. The first time was 6 years ago. At that time I didn't really let it sink in what was happening. I was so worried about my kids and what I should tell them I never really let it sink in to me that I really had cancer and hey this is serious. I kind of just went through all the steps of taking the tests and not believing it really was even though every test was proving yes it is cancer. I went into the hospital and they removed the upper right lobe and got all the cancer. I did not have to take any treatments. The doctors told me that it was very serious and that I could die during surgery, and if I lived through surgery there would still be a danger of me getting pneumonia and if that happened I could still die. Even so I never felt afraid and just went right along with everything as if it was nothing. The next thing I knew I had made it through surgery and was in the worse pain I have ever had and experiencing the worse experience I had ever had. I got pneumonia and lived through that. Still I guess I treated life like I still had all the time in the world and really could not understand why I kept living this way knowing better. A few weeks ago when I was diagnosed for the second time with lung cancer this time on the left side I guess I finally woke up to what was happening. I believe the only reason that I did wake up and take notice though is because of what I had been experiencing for the last several months feeling like God was trying to wake me up. This time was so different. I really did not believe that I was going to make it through surgery and I felt afraid. I have never felt afraid before and that scared me. I could not understand why I was scared. I felt so ashamed of myself and so unworthy and not fit to be in my Saviors presence. I really felt that he was going to be waiting for me when I underwent surgery and I was ashamed to meet him. I was ashamed because I had felt him calling me for the last several months and I had continued to ignore him. After all he has done for me and been with me and helped me through so many troubles and trials. After he has loved us so much and has shed his blood and suffered such agony and died for us how could I be so ungrateful and ignore him this way. Yes I was afraid and ashamed and did not want to meet him this way. I also was afraid for my children and my family. I could not stand for them to suffer the grief they would suffer. I really felt that my time had come and I was not ready. I know that I am his child and that he forgives me and I did not feel that I was not going to go home with him, I just felt so ashamed and not fit to be in his presence. I somehow felt that I was ready to go but not ready to leave if that makes any sense. I kept feeling like there was something God had wanted me to do and now it was too late. In the meantime I was doing all I could do to make sure I had insurance, beneficiaries etc taken care of because I felt so strongly that I was going to die. But those things were not as important as what I had neglected to do and now did not have the time to do. I did not pray that God would let me live and give me another chance because I knew that whatever his will was would be the best and would be what would be right so I just prayed that if it was his will to let me have a chance to do what he wanted me to do to please lead me and show me the way.
There are so many people who are suffering inside and do not know where to turn. Depression, mental anguish, heartache are all terrible feelings. I have been through so much and experienced so much that cause these feelings that I feel that my story could help others because each time I have written about my experiences, thoughts, feelings confusion the feeling that I get about needing to share this is so overwhelming and also when I have shared the things I write the response has proven that it helps encourage others. God has been my refuge, my strength, my lighthouse. Without him I would be nothing and could do nothing. With him we can conquer anything and survive anything. I am certainly proof of that. I tell my children that they can talk to me about anything and I will understand and not pass judgment because there is not many places they can go that I have not been. I do not know all the answers to things but I know a man who does. I am sure that you have heard that if you have not walked in someone’s shoes do not be quick to judge. Well I have walked in a lot of shoes but the thing I have learned is we have no right to judge anyone anything. I have also learned that love is the most important thing in the world. If God loved us because of what we do or do not do we would be in a lot of trouble. If he did not forgive us over and over we would be in a lot of trouble.
I certainly do not have the answers to life and problems but that is why I need to write. Writing helps me to overcome the things that are bothering me. Like I said it is my way of communicating with God. He seems to give me the answers and the peace I am seeking in my troubled thoughts and the turmoil I am going through and if reading it gives others answers and peace then I want to share it.
Today August 23, 2004, is less than 3 weeks since undergoing surgery for the second time removing cancer from my lung. This time the left side, six years ago the right side. I have felt so many emotions this time and am feeling a bit depressed and confused. A bit depressed and confused? Kind of an understatement of how I really feel I guess.
I have been wanting for a long time to write a journal of my feelings and thoughts. Several years ago I was going through a really bad time and realized that writing helped in healing a lot of old wounds. I found that it was a good way for me to communicate with God and to understand myself and my feelings better. When I would write I felt God was communicating with me through my writing. He helped me understand myself better and helped me see things clearer. While I write I feel the urge to share the things I write because maybe it will also help someone else. Sometimes I write poems, sometimes letters to God, sometimes prayers, sometimes just feelings. I will be sharing the things on here that I have written in the past and will also be writing about things that are going on in my life now. I have so much I feel I want to write and to share. The last several months I have felt like time was running out and that I needed to be doing this. Or at least I think this is what God is wanting me to do. I am not really sure what it is he is trying to tell me because I have been very neglectful in listening to him. All I know is I have felt for several months he was trying to tell me that time is running out and I have been feeling like I have been neglecting God. I have felt this so strongly and have continued to ignore him and have even prayed please God come after me because I am not taking the time to listen. It was as if I was so caught up in wasting time and living like I had all the time in the world and just couldn't seem to get off the merry go round I was on. I know that time is going to run out eventually for us all but I kept living like it would never run out.
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