Unconditional Love

I recently wrote in my journal how I waited so long about never having time to do the really important things is life and trying to get things done so I would have the time but the time never came.  I wrote how I did this for so long that now that I have finally retired and turned things over to God that he is going to take care of all those things I thought I had to do that now I have no interest in doing anything. The reason I have no interest is I never learned how to do anything else or how to live any other way.  I use to say that I work to live I do not live to work but reality was that all I was doing was living to work.  That is not the way life should be. It is not living, it is only existing.   Families, friends, people are what is important and if we do not take the time for those things we are wasting our lives.  When someone would die and I would go to the funeral I would think about these things. I would think about how I was living like time was never going to run out and then it would run out and it would be too late to do anything about it.  A couple of years ago one of my cousins husband died and my sister and I talked about how we haven’t spent enough time with them in years. We only see people who are important to us when someone dies and we go to the funeral. We would talk about how we were going to do something about it and visit while they are alive and get closer to our families and friends again. We planned how we would go see my cousin and spend a whole day with her. But that is all we did was talk about it. We never went.  A couple of weeks ago we went to her funeral.   That was not even the first time something like that had happened.  For the last few years there have been several funerals and each time we had the same conversation and the same plans and also each time we never followed through. All we did was talk about it and plan the same thing until we went to another funeral. Why do we live this way?  Why are we so blind when it is happening over and over and we don’t change?  We see it over and over and yet we are blind.

The thing I am really getting at now is how powerfully God has been working in my life lately.  It is like I think of something and God makes it happen. It is like he has removed blinders that I have been unable to remove. How very Awesome God is and how Loving, Understanding and Powerful He is.  I mentioned how the interest is gone and I want it back. Well it is like it is coming back in leaps and bounds. It is like God has taken me by the hand and is leading me every step of the way. He is leading the right people to me, he is leading me right in the direction I know I should go.  It is an awesome feeling, a feeling of being fulfilled, like my cup is running over.  I feel an excitement inside my heart , I feel peace and happiness.  All of those things have been so foreign to me for so many years. I never even was really a child. When I went through my last divorce and was going through a really bad depression one of my daughters was talking to me and encouraging me. She talked to me about how strong I am and about all the things I have gone through and how much they all love me. Yes she was right by this time in my life so many things had happened I had grown stronger and knew how God would get me through.  This was just another one of those valley’s that I was made to see.  But right then I didn’t want to have to be strong.  I knew I would be strong enough to make it because God was there to help me, to give me comfort and see me through whatever I had to face. But I felt tired and did not want to have to be strong. I did not want to face the pain. I was still trying to control and didn’t know how to let go and let God.  I did not know how to live, how to do anything enjoyable. I did not know how to do anything. She told me that when she was down she would do things she liked to do when she was a kid. I told her, “honey I never was a kid. I never had a chance to learn how to do things. I just don’t know how or what to do.”  When I finally got so weak I could not try to control God took over and pulled me through as he always had done.  This past year I have done a lot of crying. I have felt at times I was beaten and broken. This time it was not because of things going so wrong. It was because I was letting time run out and didn’t know how to stop. It was because I knew God was dealing with me and I didn’t know how to slow down and follow him.  I went through the cancer for the second time, I went through the heart attack, I went through going to all those funerals and still just kept on living like I have to get this or that done before I can start to live. I don’t have time right now I have to get this or that done so I will have time. But that time would not come until recently I did stop and just turned it over to him.  Now God is really bringing all the good things to me. I met Richard and even though I was fighting inside myself to not let go of my old ways God just took me by the hand and led me.  He is leading me every step of the way now and he is not letting me go.  Now I have started doing things and making plans that I am going to follow through with because Richard is going right along with me and is doing them with me.  I always wanted to be able to play musical instruments, I wanted to sing. Not necessarily in public. I just wanted to be able to do those things because music makes me feel good. The emotions of the music and the words to the songs were good feelings. Well Richard is very educated in music and has more passion for music than anyone I have ever met.  He is patient with me and is teaching me.

 My dearest sweetest cousin Jim plays a guitar and banjo and I love to just listen to him play and sing. When Jim sings he puts so much feeling into the songs I could listen for hours.  Jim got me started learning how to play and it is his guitar that I have, a beautiful and beautiful sounding black Alvarez. It was Jim who I guess you can say turned me on to the music.  His wife, Carla, my dearest sweetest friend who is just like a sister to me also has a wonderful voice and sings beautifully.   She looks and sounds so good and confident   on that stage, so comfortable like she was born to it. Jim is the same way. I am so proud of both of them.  When they sing people listen. When Jim sings he gets standing ovations.  I love them both and their son Ross and Jim’s daughter Andrea with all my heart.  Ross and Andrea both dance wonderfully and Ross plays the guitar and sings beautifully just like his Dad.  When they were little they were always winning dance contests. 

When I would be going through hard times and depression it was Jim and Carla’s house I went to because I knew I was always welcome and they would make me feel special when I needed to feel that I was worth something. When I needed them they were always there.  Carla would tell me she had a room for me there.  They always made me feel like I was HOME. They made me feel wanted.  Ross would coming running out to the car when I would pull up hollering it’s Shirley. That always made me feel good and feel welcome and like I was wanted. He would give me a big hug and kiss.  I remember when he was learning how to play the guitar, sometimes when I would be there he and I would sit up for hours at night and he would practice with me showing me how to do things when I would practice.  I was always home and felt at peace when I was there no matter what was going on in my life at the time. 

I have also neglected them and not taken the time I should to be with them and spend time with them like I wanted because I had other things that I thought I had to do.

Jim and Carla have been going through a lot the last few years. Jim has been sick for the last few years and recently almost died due to fluid on his brain and other health problems.  He had to have surgery, have the fluid removed and a shunt put in.  After that  he lost his leg because of Diabetes.  He has arthritis in his hands now so bad it is hard for him to play his guitar and his banjo so he has quit playing.  All those things are just some of the problems they had to face. Naturally because of all that Jim has been depressed and has lost a lot of interest in anything.  But Carla has stood by him and pushed him and took him to the VFW and encouraged him to sing and to stay active. She has stood by him and encouraged him and kept him going when the toll of it all was wearing her down and not knowing where they would get the money to be able to live.  I know there had to be times she didn’t know if she was going to have the strength to face another day and do the same thing over.  But their faith in God, love for each other and with God’s help they make it.  Every Sat night no matter how tired or how bad they might feel because of Carla they go to the VFW and because of Carla Jim and Carla both sing as guests.  She is making sure he gets his interest back.  Carla has encouraged him and been right there with him every step of the way.  She is not only helping Jim she is helping me. She is helping me get my interest back.  Even though Jim and Carla have been going through so much they are still there for me too.  Because of Carla,  Jim and I are both getting our interest back. Because of Richard’s encouragement and patience with me it is also helping me get my interest back. Because of Carla pushing me and Richard and Richard’s willingness to take part and wanting us to be happy and enjoy life together he and I go to the VFW on Saturday nights. At first I just went because I wanted to be with Jim and Carla.  I was not interested in dancing and even Richard wasn’t too interested in dancing although I use to love to dance. Jim and Carla did not stop at just getting us to go though they kept pushing and encouraging us to dance until they lit a fire under both of us. Now we are both going to learn how to do the Line Dancing and Square Dancing and whatever those other dances are called.  And we are both excited about learning and taking part.  Yes God is a Mighty Awesome God. He knows  exactly who to put in our paths.  Carla probably doesn’t realize it but she is working for God.  When God has a plan he knows who is capable to make it happen. She will wear a crown in heaven.  I love both Jim and Carla and they will always be very special to me.  I thank God for both of them. 

There is so much I have to say tonight. I am filled with so much joy and peace.   This morning when I was getting ready for church I was thinking about how good my life is and how right it is and I was thanking God just for loving me so much. I was thanking him for loving everyone so much and the thought came  to me, Why does God love me so much when I am so unworthy of his love. What have I ever done that is worth his love.   And God’s answer was,   “because that is who he is. He is my father and he loves me not because of what I do or do not do.  He loves me because I am his child. He loves everyone and wants everyone to come to him.  He does not love anyone because of what they do or do not do. He just loves us because that is who he is. HE JUST LOVES US Unconditionally.”   When we love it is like it depends on what a person does or does not do whether we love them or not.  Like the attitude I had before about I don’t have to put up with anything.  If you can’t be like I want you to be then I don’t need you, want you or love you. If God loved us in that way or because of that, how could he ever love anyone because no one is worthy of the love God has for us.  But he loves us anyway. He wants us to love each other in that way.  Jesus tries to teach us to love. He took on all the sins of the world even though there was no sin in him, even though people scorned him and mocked him he died a cruel death for us because of his love for us.   He did not do all that because we were so good, he did not do it because we loved him, he did not do it because of anything we had done or not done. He did it simply because he loved us.  And he understands the pain we go through here on Earth, he understands the heartaches we suffer. He understands because he experienced all the things and more than we will ever experience.  He wants us to be happy and to have everlasting life with him. He gives us choices and he gives us chances on top of chances to turn to him.  I love my children and it breaks my heart when they are hurting.  My son is still going through fighting alcohol. He calls me and I hear the pain in his voice, the shaking and fear, the struggles he goes through.  I love him no less because of it. In fact I love him more and more and hurt for him more and more but when it comes down to it he is the only one who can let go and completely turn it over to God before he will ever have the strength to do what he has to do to find peace.  Just like I have had to completely turn my life over to God he will have to completely turn his life over to God.  I had to experience pain and heartaches and doing things wrong to ever be able to let go and follow God. We are weak and letting go is hard but reality is it should be an easy thing to do but we are too blind to see and too unbelieving even though we are suffering and know pain we still don’t know the answers because we don’t turn to the one who has the answers and tries to teach us. We still don’t listen.  Why Why?  I just turned 65 years old yesterday March 1^st but I still have a lot to learn before this journey I am on is over.  There will probably still be times that I will try to control situations and do things my way and make a lot of mistakes doing it but the wonderful part is, God will go on loving me no matter what happens.  No matter how short or how long of time I have left I do not know, but I can be comforted in knowing that God loves me unconditionally, and that he will always be there for me and will help me through whatever I will have to face.  What I will do with the remainder of this journey remains to be seen but one thing I can be sure of is, God will never forsake me.  How much pain or heartache I will suffer will be up to me.  How blind I will be, how much I listen or do not listen will be up to me.