Today August 23, 2004, is less than 3 weeks since undergoing surgery for the second time removing cancer from my lung.  This time the left side, six years ago the right side.  I have felt so many emotions this time and am feeling a bit depressed and confused.   A bit depressed and confused?  Kind of an understatement of how I really feel I guess. 

I have been wanting for a long time to write a journal of my feelings and thoughts.  Several years ago I was going through a really bad time and realized that writing helped in healing a lot of old wounds.  I found that it was a good way for me to communicate with God and to understand myself and my feelings better.  When I would write I felt God was communicating with me through my writing.  He helped me understand myself better and helped me see things clearer.  While I write I feel the urge to share the things I write because maybe it will also help someone else.  Sometimes I write poems, sometimes letters to God, sometimes prayers, sometimes just feelings.  I will be sharing the things on here that I have written in the past and will also be writing about things that are going on in my life now.   I have so much I feel I want to write and to share.  The last several months I have felt like time was running out and that I needed to be doing this.  Or at least I think this is what God is wanting me to do.  I am not really sure what it is he is trying to tell me because I have been very neglectful in listening to him.  All I know is I have felt for several months he was trying to tell me that time is running out and I have been feeling like I have been neglecting God.  I have felt this so strongly and have continued to ignore him and have even prayed please God come after me because I am not taking the time to listen.  It was as if I was so caught up in wasting time and living like I had all the time in the world and just couldn't seem to get off the merry go round I was on.  I know that time is going to run out eventually for us all but I kept living like it would never run out.