August 24, 2004

The last several months I have felt like time was running out and that I needed to be doing this.  Or at least I think this is what God wants me to do.  I am not really sure what it is he is trying to tell me because I have been very neglectful in listening to him.  All I know is I have felt for several months he was trying to tell me that time is running out and I have been feeling like I have been neglecting God.  I have felt this so strongly and have continued to ignore him.  I remember reading in the bible that if one of his sheep should stray he will leave the 99 and go after the one so I have prayed please God come after me because I am not taking the time to listen.  It was as if I was so caught up in wasting time and living like I had all the time in the world and just couldn't seem to get off the merry go round I was on.  I know that time is going to run out eventually for us all but I kept living like it would never run out.  Then a few weeks ago I was diagnosed with lung cancer for the second time.  The first time was 6 years ago.  At that time I didn't really let it sink in what was happening.  I was so worried about my kids and what I should tell them I never really let it sink in to me that I really had cancer and hey this is serious.  I kind of just went through all the steps of taking the tests and not believing it really was even though every test was proving yes it is cancer.  I went into the hospital and they removed the upper right lobe and got all the cancer. I did not have to take any treatments.  The doctors told me that it was very serious and that I could die during surgery, and if I lived through surgery there would still be a danger of me getting pneumonia and if that happened I could still die.  Even so I never felt afraid and just went right along with everything as if it was nothing.  The next thing I knew I had made it through surgery and was in the worse pain I have ever had and experiencing the worse experience I had ever had.  I got pneumonia and lived through that.  Still I guess I treated life like I still had all the time in the world and really could not understand why I kept living this way knowing better.    A few weeks ago when I was diagnosed for the second time with lung cancer this time on the left side I guess I finally woke up to what was happening.  I believe the only reason that I did wake up and take notice though is because of what I had been experiencing for the last several months feeling like God was trying to wake me up.  This time was so different.  I really did not believe that I was going to make it through surgery and I felt afraid.  I have never felt afraid before and that scared me.  I could not understand why I was scared.  I felt so ashamed of myself and so unworthy and not fit to be in my Saviors presence.  I really felt that he was going to be waiting for me when I underwent surgery and I was ashamed to meet him.  I was ashamed because I had felt him calling me for the last several months and I had continued to ignore him.  After all he has done for me and been with me and helped me through so many troubles and trials.  After he has loved us so much and has shed his blood and suffered such agony and died for us how could I be so ungrateful and ignore him this way.  Yes I was afraid and ashamed and did not want to meet him this way.  I also was afraid for my children and my family.  I could not stand for them to suffer the grief they would suffer.  I really felt that my time had come and I was not ready.  I know that I am his child and that he forgives me and I did not feel that I was not going to go home with him, I just felt so ashamed and not fit to be in his presence.   I somehow felt that I was ready to go but not ready to leave if that makes any sense.  I kept feeling like there was something God had wanted me to do and now it was too late.   In the meantime I was doing all I could do to make sure I had insurance, beneficiaries etc taken care of because I felt so strongly that I was going to die.  But those things were not as important as what I had neglected to do and now did not have the time to do.  I did not pray that God would let me live and give me another chance because I knew that whatever his will was would be the best and would be what would be right so I just prayed that if it was his will to let me have a chance to do what he wanted me to do to please lead me and show me the way.

There are so many people who are suffering inside and do not know where to turn.  Depression, mental anguish, heartache are all terrible feelings.  I have been through so much and experienced so much that cause these feelings that I feel that my story could help others because each time I have written about my experiences, thoughts, feelings confusion the feeling that I get about needing to share this is so overwhelming and also when I have shared the things I write the response has proven that it helps encourage others.  God has been my refuge, my strength, my lighthouse.   Without him I would be nothing and could do nothing.  With him we can conquer anything and survive anything.  I am certainly proof of that.  I tell my children that they can talk to me about anything and I will understand and not pass judgment because there is not many places they can go that I have not been.  I do not know all the answers to things but I know a man who does.    I am sure that you have heard that if you have not walked in someone’s shoes do not be quick to judge.  Well I have walked in a lot of shoes but the thing I have learned is we have no right to judge anyone anything.   I have also learned that love is the most important thing in the world.  If God loved us because of what we do or do not do we would be in a lot of trouble.  If he did not forgive us over and over we would be in a lot of trouble. 

I certainly do not have the answers to life and problems but that is why I need to write.  Writing helps me to overcome the things that are bothering me.  Like I said it is my way of communicating with God.  He seems to give me the answers and the peace I am seeking in my troubled thoughts and the turmoil I am going through and if reading it gives others answers and peace then I want to share it.