Relationship

I am addicted to relationships.  When I am without a man in my life I feel an emptiness inside. I get depressed, hurt, feel scared and alone.  God is working in my life now.  At times I can hear him talking to me and I can see ways that he is working. 

At first when Bo was leaving God was telling me that this was for the best.  That he would take care of Bo, Ricky and me.  He was telling me that the results of this happening and the changes that would take place in our lives would be better than anything I could imagine or try to bring about.  I know that he wants me to leave it all in his hands.  I feel that he has a plan for me and that I should let his will be done. 

I have prayed so many times for God to let me know what I could do for him.  I know now that the only thing I can do is let God work through me.  I can do nothing.  We are only clay and he is the potter.  When God has a plan he does the work through us. 

I have felt Gods presence and heard him talking to me many times.  When Bo first planned to leave I was so confused, hurt and scared.  I felt God was with me.  Then later I felt that he was near but just out of reach.  Then I felt that I had been fooling myself and now was facing reality.  I felt that the reality was that I was not worthy of God loving me.  I know that God would never let anyone down.  I believed in God and his love and power but I felt that I was a mistake that just happened.  I believed that God would love and care for everyone except me.  That’s when God intervened and lifted me up. 

There have been so many times that I have gone through rough times and through my own fault I have beat myself up, gotten down and depressed.  When I would get down so low and hurting so bad I thought I just couldn’t stand another minute God would lift me up and make the pain go away.  I would realize then that he had been there all along.  If I would just turn to him and really trust him I would be spared a lot of heartache.  I think that he allows us to go through these things and allows us to try to do it ourselves so we will grow stronger and realize how much we need him.  It’s like we have to let our children make mistakes and learn.  If we do everything for our children they will never learn anything.  But we step in before we let harm come to them.  We want our children to just listen to us and learn and I am sure God wants the same from us but our weak human nature will not let us do that so he gives us a choice and lets us learn the hard way. 

I know that tomorrow or next week I may be down again and I may still have times of getting down  before I reach the end of this journey that I am on but I know that God is with me and he will never forsake me.  I thank God for all the trials that he lets me face so that I may grow into a better person.  Someone that he can use to carry his work and let his will be done.  I feel that he is preparing me for something wonderful now.  I do not know what his plan is but I do know that it is better than anything I could try to do on my own. 

God’s way is for us to totally trust him and love him.  He does not tell us where he is taking us.  We are just to trust and know that he is God and he will provide.  He will lead us if we will just follow. 

I know that I must let God fill the void in my life.  Until I allow that to happen I will never have a lasting relationship.  When I let God fill the void in my heart he will never leave me and only then will I be able to enjoy and feel comfortable with a relationship.  My most important relationship should be with Jesus Christ, my Savior.  God must come first because without him we have nothing and we are nothing. 

I must not get involved in a relationship until I learn to put God first and depend on him to bring me peace and happiness.  If I get involved in a relationship too soon I will destroy the relationship.  It should not even be important that I have a relationship with anyone else.  If I put God first and love and trust him the way I should I will not need anyone else.  And if it is meant for me to have someone who will be a friend, partner, lover then God will bring the right person along.  Until I put God first I know that I will continue to love and lose.  Too many hearts are broken that way. 

As I look back I can see that the relationships I have had were not what I really wanted anyway.  I wanted something so bad that I would settle for anything and pretend to myself it was what I wanted.  I knew it was not what I wanted but I would jump into it so fast and settle for what I had because I guess I thought it was better than nothing.  And then I would just dream of what I wanted and make myself believe it was that way.  I know that I have cheated myself.  If I had not tried to control my own life I may have had the real thing.

Dear Lord please help me to be strong and not get involved too soon.  For I am like an alcoholic who takes that first drink I get a taste and jump in head first.  I am then in up to my neck before I realize what’s happening.  Please do not let me settle for less than what I want and need.  If it is your will for me to meet someone let that someone be someone you bring to me.  If you bring him I know that it will be right.  He will be open and honest with me, someone I can be open and honest with and we will still accept each other with love.  We will be friends and will want to be together.  We will be best friends and will be able to talk to each other about anything.  We will each care more for the other than we do ourselves.  We will be able to trust each other and respect each other.  And most of all we will be able to worship you together.  I want someone to share my thoughts with someone who will share his thoughts with me.  And not only our thoughts but our feelings.  I want someone Dear Lord who will share my love for you and together we can worship and carry your message to others.  Whether this is meant to be or not I  will

Amen

Shirley Thompson 

April 27,1995