PEACE WITHIN 

As I read these things that I wrote a long time ago as I am putting them on this web site I realize how far I have come, how much I have grown and how much stronger I am now.  As I read these things I realize how very true it is that things are never hopeless no matter how much we feel that it is.  I look at these things and remember how I felt when I first wrote them and I remember God being with me through it all even when I felt like he was not there and then later I would realize he was there all the time.  When I felt like he was not there it was because I was not letting myself feel him because I did not trust him enough.  Even though time and time again he was with me and proved how much he loved me and would not forsake me I still would give in to the storms that were going on in my life at the time.   As I look back on those times I rejoice in knowing and remembering how God was with me and how he led me to write because it was one of the ways he was able to get through to me.  Writing was my way of communicating with God and it made me able to get up fight and survive the pain and heartache of the trials I would go through.  Through his leading me, showing me the way and giving me the strength I needed I know that I can conquer anything that comes my way because God is on my side.  Life is still ups and downs and I still have a lot going on in my life but I can deal with things so much more now and am able to feel peace inside most of the time even when a storm is raging all around me.  I know that the peace that is anchored in my soul and heart is Jesus.  He is my strength, my refuge from the storm.  More trials may come from time to time that will weaken me and get me down.  I will probably sometimes have bad days, feel defeated and beat myself up as I have so often done in the past but I will not stay down for long because I know who to turn to for help and I know that he will be there for me.   More and more I see the Lord working in my life and I see how he has worked in my son’s life.  My heart breaks for my son and I shed a lot of tears for him and say a lot of prayers for him but I know that I can do nothing else for him.  He is in Gods hands and only God can help him fight the battle he has to fight.  I see the pain in my son and naturally I feel pain in my heart for him but I trust God will be with us both through it all.  The pain that we feel as humans can not compare to the pain that our Savior feels for us because the love we feel can not compare to the love he is capable of feeling for us.  Because I have suffered so much mental anguish, and pain I can not bare the thought of others suffering.  I can not ease any ones pain but I know that God can and I know what has helped me and that is the reason I am putting this stuff on the web site.  I want people to read about the heartaches and pain so you will realize no matter how bad things seem you are not alone.  I want you to read about my weaknesses and how I let things get to me and get me down.  I want you to read about the stupid thoughts that go through my head and the way I beat myself up.  I want you to read these things because I want you to realize that it is human to give into these weaknesses.  I want you to realize that no matter how bad things are or how weak you feel you can turn to God and he will give you the strength to overcome these feelings.  I want you to know that he loves you unconditionally and he wants you to turn to him. I want you to realize that no matter how bad things are or how bad they seem there is hope and things can get better.    He does not promise us that we will not have trouble in our lives but he does promise to never forsake us.   He does not always calm the storm but he will calm you and give you the strength to weather the storm.